I am nervous for tonight's weigh-in. I know I have lost weight since last week, but the anticipation is nerve racking. There is still the "what if I gained weight" question.
I have been doing a weight-loss challenge, sponsored by Herbalife, for about 4 weeks now. It is an 8 week challenge and the goal is to lose 12% of your beginning body weight by the end of the challenge. I started out at 247lbs. My goal is to lose about 30lbs by September 3rd. I hope I am able to do that for a few reasons: I would most likely win the 1st place price of $700; and I would have reached my end of year goal by September.
I know that I should be losing weight at a respectable rate, so that all my skin has time to retract/shrink normally. I know that losing too much weight in a month can cause people to gain confidence and lose track of goals and will power may be substituted with uncalled for pride. It has been 6 months now that I have been using Herbalife products. My first goal with Herbalife was to lose 40lbs by the end of the year. I was 278, and now am 234, as of August 6th. I have reached my first goal. My second goal, before the challenge was to be at 230 by the end of July. I didn't reach that goal, but I did fit into smaller shirt sizes, which is a great thing! My last goal, before the challenge, is to be 210-217 by the end of the year, so this weight-loss challenge will help me reach my last goal. Even if I am 225lbs by the end of the challenge, I will be so much closer to the end of year goal!
I am hoping to have a great weigh-in. I am keeping my fingers crossed. I am confident that my will power is better now, than ever, and I am doing the right thing.
Monday
Wednesday
Sadness, Hate, Love; Rene
I've been sad lately. Not something anyone can do anything about since my sadness revolves around all the hate I've experienced in my life. Hate, pure and simple, is causing my heart to break and my soul wither.
I am no stranger from hate. Hate and I go hand in hand. I was going to publish a post about the Chick-Fil-A (CFA) controversy and how all the recent internet articles have made me realize who I am and from where I have come, but that doesn't matter. I can't articulate what I have realized because I am so saddened from the hate, vitriol, polarizing words, that every person is taking against another.
Hate. I hate, hate. It has made me sad. It has made me criticize all those around me. Whenever I see a friend "like" pages on Facebook (FB) that go against me, as a person (homosexual/agnostic/Hispanic/male), I realize that person hates too. Whether that friend realizes that they promote hate by "liking" a view point is beyond my scope- I wish I could be omnipotent. When I "like" a page/post about an animal that has been neglected and then brought back to health, it shows that I hate the people who let the animal get to that condition. When I "like" a certain fast food restaurant, it stands that I generally hate all other similar restaurants. I know not everyone thinks like I, and there is my problem: people don't think like Rene.
I think too much about hate. I know hate. I use hate to better myself. I hate myself. I really do. I hate my body shape/size, I hate my thinning hair, I hate my thought process; I hate everything about me that defines who I am. I use this hate to propel me to the gym, salon, grammar books; anything that will better me as a person. But, people don't think like I, and therefore, they don't use their hate to better themselves when the opportunity presents itself.
I have only learned to use hate as a means to motivate because I have realized that hate is the other side of love. Love is a powerful emotion. Love can make people blind to certain situations just as hate. Love is one side of a coin where hate is the other. You can't live without one. In order to hate something, you have to love something. If I hate raw onions, then I love the flavor of food without raw onions. Simple. I hate-and therefore use hate as my motivation- because I know what I love: myself. But then I encounter my problem; not everyone thinks like I think.
I wonder how many people realize that they have to love something in order to hate, and how that is perceived by those who are an audience to their actions. I don't hate people. I love people. I hate people's actions. I try to make sure I make this point when discussing politics. I fully understand that people have different view points and feel differently about topics. I understand how one side can be polarized against the other side and use hateful language. I don't understand why it hasn't dawned on people that if one's actions don't align with one's view point, then that person is hypocritical and it will be hard to understand that person's view point. If a gay man says eating at CFA is akin to promoting hate against gays, and then goes on to harass CFA patrons instead of starting a polite conversation, his actions show hatred and he is now a hypocrite. Why would someone, who (my presumption) doesn't understand the Love/Hate relationship as I, want to give any attention to that cause?
Hate. It is confusing. Love. It is confusing. They are part of the same dynamic, such as life and death. You honestly can't understand one without the other. I believe people are lacking the proper intelligence and ability to differentiate oneself from a cause, to actually talk about their causes. Their love/hate for their issues is such a strong force that they don't realize what they are doing: ignoring their opponent and themselves.
I am sad. The society I live in has created a system to allow people to think less critically - and quite literally not at all- and survive. I often joke about the existence of a genocide button and my willingness to push the button without hesitation. Considering what I know, and what I experience, I can't be blamed.
I am no stranger from hate. Hate and I go hand in hand. I was going to publish a post about the Chick-Fil-A (CFA) controversy and how all the recent internet articles have made me realize who I am and from where I have come, but that doesn't matter. I can't articulate what I have realized because I am so saddened from the hate, vitriol, polarizing words, that every person is taking against another.
Hate. I hate, hate. It has made me sad. It has made me criticize all those around me. Whenever I see a friend "like" pages on Facebook (FB) that go against me, as a person (homosexual/agnostic/Hispanic/male), I realize that person hates too. Whether that friend realizes that they promote hate by "liking" a view point is beyond my scope- I wish I could be omnipotent. When I "like" a page/post about an animal that has been neglected and then brought back to health, it shows that I hate the people who let the animal get to that condition. When I "like" a certain fast food restaurant, it stands that I generally hate all other similar restaurants. I know not everyone thinks like I, and there is my problem: people don't think like Rene.
I think too much about hate. I know hate. I use hate to better myself. I hate myself. I really do. I hate my body shape/size, I hate my thinning hair, I hate my thought process; I hate everything about me that defines who I am. I use this hate to propel me to the gym, salon, grammar books; anything that will better me as a person. But, people don't think like I, and therefore, they don't use their hate to better themselves when the opportunity presents itself.
I have only learned to use hate as a means to motivate because I have realized that hate is the other side of love. Love is a powerful emotion. Love can make people blind to certain situations just as hate. Love is one side of a coin where hate is the other. You can't live without one. In order to hate something, you have to love something. If I hate raw onions, then I love the flavor of food without raw onions. Simple. I hate-and therefore use hate as my motivation- because I know what I love: myself. But then I encounter my problem; not everyone thinks like I think.
I wonder how many people realize that they have to love something in order to hate, and how that is perceived by those who are an audience to their actions. I don't hate people. I love people. I hate people's actions. I try to make sure I make this point when discussing politics. I fully understand that people have different view points and feel differently about topics. I understand how one side can be polarized against the other side and use hateful language. I don't understand why it hasn't dawned on people that if one's actions don't align with one's view point, then that person is hypocritical and it will be hard to understand that person's view point. If a gay man says eating at CFA is akin to promoting hate against gays, and then goes on to harass CFA patrons instead of starting a polite conversation, his actions show hatred and he is now a hypocrite. Why would someone, who (my presumption) doesn't understand the Love/Hate relationship as I, want to give any attention to that cause?
Hate. It is confusing. Love. It is confusing. They are part of the same dynamic, such as life and death. You honestly can't understand one without the other. I believe people are lacking the proper intelligence and ability to differentiate oneself from a cause, to actually talk about their causes. Their love/hate for their issues is such a strong force that they don't realize what they are doing: ignoring their opponent and themselves.
I am sad. The society I live in has created a system to allow people to think less critically - and quite literally not at all- and survive. I often joke about the existence of a genocide button and my willingness to push the button without hesitation. Considering what I know, and what I experience, I can't be blamed.
Friday
Friends and Foes
My friends are very dear to me. Not that a friend wouldn't be, but I have a hard time expressing my feelings and need this declaration. Part of keeping friends is also showing your affection; whether vocal, physical, or in the form of a gift.
In general, my rule of thumb for gift giving is easy: keep it simple and fast. I don't like to buy presents- I prefer to buy gift cards because it keeps with my rule. Gift cards are simple and fast. There are many from which I can choose. Also, gift cards ensure the recipient is pleased-as long as I don't get a random card to an unorthodox store. Presents take too long to think out and buy. Sure there are ways to curtail the horrendous experience that retailers set up, but gift cards are by far the easiest choice for me.
There are a few exceptions. I mean, I won't go and buy the next fad product for anyone unless it is cheap or practical. But for my close friends, I try to buy at least one thing for them in my lifetime, which is significant/representative of our friendship. It may be sentimental, it may be corny. I just want to give a gift that means something. There are a few friends for whom I would do anything, yet not buy a gift. I will constantly call the friend, or try to be around that friend. I may text that friend, or just send odd e-mails. Well, as it so happens to be, I just can't express myself correctly and would rather be around that friend. Sure I still want to have a gift for them and may even get a special card for them, but the gift part is really hard. I don't mind paying for a dinner, movie, knick-knack, etc. I want them to be happy.
Maybe I have a broken sense of friendship. I am upset with a few friends that have benefited from my "gifting" and then turn around to ignore me. I am not trying to buy their friendship; I give without strings attached. But in our friendship, I expect that friend to at least talk to me. It is as if I had paid a stranger to be my friend for the day, week, month, or even years.
These friends grow apart from me the less I spend on them. And then I begin to question if I had spoiled the relationship with money. I have a few friends that I can always count on being there for me. Wait, no, I don't. I have been that friend. But when I needed my friends the most, they just weren't there. To be fair, not all of my friends are expected to fill this expectation. A lot of my friends are like myself, in need of companionship.
I love my friends. I don't regret how things have ended with them. I do miss them. I hope they miss me too, and that we will connect again. Until that day, I will keep shopping for quirky gifts.
In general, my rule of thumb for gift giving is easy: keep it simple and fast. I don't like to buy presents- I prefer to buy gift cards because it keeps with my rule. Gift cards are simple and fast. There are many from which I can choose. Also, gift cards ensure the recipient is pleased-as long as I don't get a random card to an unorthodox store. Presents take too long to think out and buy. Sure there are ways to curtail the horrendous experience that retailers set up, but gift cards are by far the easiest choice for me.
There are a few exceptions. I mean, I won't go and buy the next fad product for anyone unless it is cheap or practical. But for my close friends, I try to buy at least one thing for them in my lifetime, which is significant/representative of our friendship. It may be sentimental, it may be corny. I just want to give a gift that means something. There are a few friends for whom I would do anything, yet not buy a gift. I will constantly call the friend, or try to be around that friend. I may text that friend, or just send odd e-mails. Well, as it so happens to be, I just can't express myself correctly and would rather be around that friend. Sure I still want to have a gift for them and may even get a special card for them, but the gift part is really hard. I don't mind paying for a dinner, movie, knick-knack, etc. I want them to be happy.
Maybe I have a broken sense of friendship. I am upset with a few friends that have benefited from my "gifting" and then turn around to ignore me. I am not trying to buy their friendship; I give without strings attached. But in our friendship, I expect that friend to at least talk to me. It is as if I had paid a stranger to be my friend for the day, week, month, or even years.
These friends grow apart from me the less I spend on them. And then I begin to question if I had spoiled the relationship with money. I have a few friends that I can always count on being there for me. Wait, no, I don't. I have been that friend. But when I needed my friends the most, they just weren't there. To be fair, not all of my friends are expected to fill this expectation. A lot of my friends are like myself, in need of companionship.
I love my friends. I don't regret how things have ended with them. I do miss them. I hope they miss me too, and that we will connect again. Until that day, I will keep shopping for quirky gifts.
Wednesday
Starting off new!
Today I figured out what I will do with all my free time; make a blog. Now, I know that this has been a long time coming, but I finally caved in. I have been the voyeur of many, and never the exhibitionist. The age of internet fame has gotten a hold of me, and hopefully, one day, this will mean something.
Until that day comes, I will just post random things as I please.
Thank you for understanding!
Until that day comes, I will just post random things as I please.
Thank you for understanding!
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